I have started this blog much as started my
livejournal, without much artifice or preamble, just dutiful points, lists, pictures and so on. In my mind, I thought documenting my planning process would prove valuable later somehow.
But I realize the result feels stale and says very little on the part that is probably the most important to me: why I'm getting married and to who.
So in that vein, I'll toss aside the clipart (but promise to do a later entry on wedding drama, which I had decided to avoid, but have since amended to 'who cares? everyone loves a little drama'.) and do an entry on the best part of getting married:
My husband.
Let me begin with a little context here: I realize the entire definition of marriage has become a shifting landscape and like all pillars of yesteryear has fallen in and out of fashion with dizzying frequency. So here is what it means to me.
1. My parents got married young and spent 7 years travelling and doing everything they dreamed of before having a family. I thought this was unequivocally awesome. Marriage was like a partnership of superhero proportions the result of which was a realization of 'living your twenties' potential I didn't think anything could top.
2. I'm a fairly shameless romantic. When asked, "Have you watched such-and-such show or movie, I think you would like it." my first question is "Does anyone get together in the end? Is there romance?" If no, you must do a fairly convincing dance to get me interested.
So thanks to 1 & 2 I was pretty much genetically and experientially conditioned to love the idea of marriage. Partnership enriching life and realizing an ultimate concept of self? Sign. Me. Up.
But then we come to the rest of my list:
3. Divorce. There's rather a lot of it around, and in my family, my parents included. You'd think this would make me a cynic or shake up my faith but it actually does the opposite and here is why:
a) I never measure myself or my expectations in comparison to others
b) When adversity strikes I take it personally and an alarmingly powerful pride instinct kicks in whereby I am determined that I will not be struck down by the ills that befall other mortals.
So, being that I am committed to the idea of commitment, no mere statistic will be slowing me down. I never liked statistics anyway. Statistics is like an entire math devoted to the notion that the glass is half empty and therefore Murphy's Law reigns.
So 3. simply resulted in my determination that I would redefine my own concept of marriage. One wherein my partner clearly understood that ours was to be an adventure of the first merit navigating the landscape of life and repainting it with the optimism of happy expectations and a deep rooted sense of 'getting it'.
4. Twenties = series of 'not-to-be' relationships.
This was probably the hardest on me. As hard as graduating University and continuing to work a series of go-nowhere jobs. It's hard to float on just your own optimism. It's good to have another person to help you re-fuel.
And I did have to stop looking before I found it. I had flagged marriage as one of my big checkmarks. Achieve it, or feel unsuccessful in life. The End.
That's not really how it works though. In a wierd way you have to accept yourself as the version of you that won't have that, before you find that you will. At least I did.
Enter Drew.
There is an almost comical series of moments that follow a get-together between two people who've acclimatized to a lot of relationship bumps and challenges and compromises.
There's some giving each other the stink-eye of suspicion. Some over-reacting. Some true startlement at the notion that this person performs differently in a relationship and 'oh-my-god they don't think like that! I never have to worry about being misunderstood again!'
There is also a truly great buzz to be had by navigating the smooth sailing of bottom-line compatibility.
It isn't sharing the same philosophy. The same taste in music, books, food.
For me, it is always finding open arms when I want them. It is that person who wants me next to them on the couch at the end of the day when nothing else remains but to share the warm glow of companionship against the untidy landscape of home.
Bonus if one person is always warm and the other cold. (If you're the cold one, this is a bonus, not sure how warmie feels about icy feet tucked under their leg at night)
The best part so far has been how unwavering the buzz really is. Years go by, it still feels almost too easy to be together and I'm still washed over by happiness realizing it. I guess the compatibility has to be there in how you appreciate each other and where you place that in the scheme of your life.
For me the best possible life grows out of a well-tended happiness.
I have finished more writing, written more songs, and been physically healthier in the past three years than ever before. Your body knows when you're in a good place I think.
So now, after my philosophizing and idealizing of marriage as a tradition heavy rite of passage into romantic fulfillment, I find myself walking into it older, with a friend by my side, a little less rose-coloured-glass over my eyes, but an incalculably precious appreciation of what I truly have and what it means to who I have become as an adult.
I look at the mark of Drew in my future and it brings me only happiness.
I can be a sappy romantic and tie up our anniversary cards with ribbon and he will huggle me appropriately.
I can high-five him for our awesomeness and he will cap the moment with a great one-liner.
He will muddle along with me in comfortable contentment, then astonish me with a compliment that reveals a true insight I forgot he had looking at me through my best and worst.
He will be my husband in the old fashioned way and look for little pockets of praise when he inadvertently performs a "duty". He will be my husband with quiet pride on our travels together, taking my hand and wearing our rings and appreciating our partnership. He will be my husband with a laugh poking subtle fun at the institution because he knows he can get away with it, because underneath it all, we both understand what it really is.
He will be Drew, who met me at the airport shuttle stop looking taller and possibly skinnier than I remembered and revealing inexplicably just by his posture in walking over to meet me, that I had made the right choice. He will always be that Drew and every Drew after and the boon of that is immeasurable. But marriage feels like a good start.
